How to fix Indiana Jones

Spoilers ahead. If you haven’t seen “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull,” stop reading right now. I’ve been thinking all week about this movie and why it seemed so much less compelling than the original “Raiders of the Lost Ark.” And I came up with some suggestions for improving it. Yeah, I know. Monday morning quarterbacking. So be it. Here are my modest proposals for making “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” truly memorable. •When you have Cate Blanchett, one of the finest actresses on the planet, give her something to do, for cryin’ out loud. I’m not talking about letting her wave her rapier. She gets to do plenty of that. I’m talking about giving her some character traits that would make KGB wolf Irina Spalko interesting as a person. As it now stands she’s just plain evil. And evil, like unrelenting goodness, gets boring fast if there’s nothing else to keep our interest. There’s a scene where Spalko has Indiana strapped in a chair and is preparing to torture him (or probe his mind … or something) with the crystal skull. She stands before our hero and places her hands on his knees while staring into his eyes. Uh … am I the only one who sensed a vaguely kinky/sexy thing happening in that moment? So why not run with that? Let’s make Spalko a woman who is as demanding and in control in the bedroom as she is with her crew of secret ops guys from the Kremlin. A sexual sadist if you will (surely a good screenwriter could suggest this without freaking out the kiddies). I’d like to see how Indiana Jones handles a woman who expects to be in charge. •Put Indy in the middle of a three-way. Seriously. Remember in “Raiders” when the French villain, Belloq, got the hots for the captive Marion and tried to seduce her? Or maybe she was trying to seduce him to make good her escape. Either way, it was a scene that humanized the bad guy, made him a lot more interesting than the stiff Nazis around him. So why not have Spalko become — ahem — interested in our Dr. Jones? It would make her character more fully rounded and at the same time would… •Give Karen Allen something to do. She mostly stands around on the sidelines. She does get to race a jeep through the jungle with a maniacal grin on her face, but I don’t call that acting. She’s largely wasted in this movie. Even her big reunion with Indy is flat. The least she could have done was punch him for past transgressions. That’s the Marion we all remember. Now if we had Marion and Spalko competing for Indiana’s favors, things could get really interesting. •Give Shia LaBeouf something to do. The character of Mutt consists of a motorcycle, switchblade and comb. Who is this kid? What kind of personality does he have? If you’re going to dress him like Marlon Brando in “The Wild One” you might as well go whole hog by making the kid a genuinely surly malcontent. I’d even suggest ripping off some “Wild One” dialogue. For instance: Indy: “What are you rebelling against?” Mutt: “What’ve you got?” I’d also find a way to put into Mutt’s mouth some of James Dean’s lines from “Rebel Without a Cause”: “Ten years. I want it now, I want an answer now. I need one.” “You know something? You read too many comic books.”